


Unending

by velocitygrass



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Contemplation of Suicide, Dubious Consent, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-03
Updated: 2009-08-03
Packaged: 2017-10-10 14:29:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/100793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velocitygrass/pseuds/velocitygrass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Unending had happened to the SGA regulars shortly after "The Shrine"?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unending

**Author's Note:**

> This contains a sex scene that might trigger. Also, contemplation of suicide.

"I just can't do this anymore."

Rodney could see that John was at the end of his rope. They were all going a bit crazy at times, but it hit John the hardest. "I know, it can be difficult."

"No, Rodney. There's nothing for me to do but watch and I can't take it anymore. I can't see them slowly disintegrating and you—"

John cut himself off so abruptly that Rodney knew he had wanted to say more. "What about me?"

"Nothing," John said roughly.

"It's not nothing. What can't you... I'm sorry that I failed. I'm sorry I can't figure it—"

"It's not that. There's nothing you could do."

"Then what?" Rodney asked.

"I can't," John said, voice barely above a whisper. He turned to go, but Rodney grabbed his arm.

John whirled around and stared at him for a long moment, before he took Rodney's face in his hands and kissed him violently.

Wow. He really hadn't seen that coming. For a moment Rodney did nothing but stand and let it happen then he gently tried to push John away.

"Please, Rodney," John whispered, sounding so desperate that Rodney couldn't help but give in.

This time the kiss was passionate more than violent and when he opened his mouth, Rodney felt a ball of heat form in his stomach and then spreading slowly.

He'd never thought about John this way, never considered it as a possibility.

John moved one hand from Rodney's face down his body to the fly of his pants. Okay, this was going way too fast. "John, wait."

"Rodney, I need... Please, just this once," John pleaded, kissing Rodney's neck and cupping his dick.

"John, no," Rodney said. He tried to pull John's hand away but didn't put the necessary force behind it.

"I only want... I'll never ask _anything_ of you again."

John looked as if he would _die_ if Rodney rejected him. Before Rodney could say yes—and he would have—John dropped down to his knees and mouthed Rodney's dick through the pants.

And dammit, this was insane and wrong, but John so obviously needed it that Rodney couldn't deny him.

He didn't say yes. He simply let John undo his fly and take his hardening cock into his mouth and later he allowed John to kiss and push him towards the bed, where he was undressed and watched.

John looked down at him with so much desperation that Rodney couldn't bear it, they kissed and Rodney didn't quite realize how it happened, but he ended up with John straddling him, taking him inside and fucking himself on Rodney.

John's body was tense above him, hard and soft at once, taking and giving, so close that they were one but at the same time so very far away. Rodney reached for John, and John took his hand and clasped his fingers with Rodney's before leaning down to kiss him again, still moving above him as if driven.

The hot splash of come on his stomach and to watch the beautiful agony in John's face triggered Rodney's own release. He came so hard that he barely remained conscious.

He vaguely noticed John moving away from him, felt his lips on his neck, kissing once, twice, three times before John pressed his forehead against Rodney's.

"So long, Rodney." Rodney felt the warmth of John's breath, of those words, on his face and then John was gone and Rodney opened his eyes.

John was picking up his clothes and turned, wearing nothing but his boxers. He was leaving. "John?" Rodney blinked a few times, but the picture didn't change as he saw John's back retreating. "John!"

Then he was gone and Rodney wanted to curse at him for ruining his afterglow. Of course, John would rather make a run for it than to actually face a situation where they really needed to _talk_ about what had just happened.

Rodney sighed and let it play through his head again, when suddenly he heard the words in his head again crystal-clear. _So long, Rodney._

All hairs on Rodney's body suddenly stood up and for the life of him he couldn't remember where he'd—

Fuck.

Rodney jumped out of the bed, pulled on his pants and ran, but John was nowhere to be seen. He thought for a second then sprinted towards the hangar bay, pulling on his shirt as he went.

John was ready to get into the F-302 when Rodney entered.

"John!"

John ignored him, but Rodney could be fast if he needed to and he'd never needed to more in his life. He took John by his arms and trapped him in place.

"Let me do this," John said quietly, gaze steadfastly away from Rodney.

"The hell I will."

John blinked up at him and away again. "I told you I'd never bother you again."

"What?" Rodney asked incredulously.

"I'm sorry. It'll never happen again."

"I hope you're talking about this stupid idea of running off to kill yourself."

"You said no. I shouldn't have... I just wanted..." John looked at Rodney then and lifted his arm, dropping it before he reached Rodney's face.

"I can't even begin to say how idiotic this idea of... I don't even know what to call it is. As for saying no. I would have appreciated it if you'd given me some time. To think." Rodney knew that he'd been running on his feelings since John's first kiss. It made him feel a little lost even though he knew what he wanted and needed. Actually, it seemed pretty clear at the moment, without having to think. He just had to listen to his heart, terribly cliched as it sounded. "And to properly end it with Jennifer before we did this," he added, because this was the one regret he might have other than having to talk John out of killing himself right after their first time.

"End it?" John asked.

"I doubt that she'd be okay with sharing and I _know_ that you wouldn't be and I think I'd be uncomfortable with it myself."

"You're straight," John said.

"Well, _obviously_ not. And could we please move this elsewhere? My shoes are still in your room. And I really think I deserve some cuddling after all this."

"You?" John asked, apparently unable to believe that Rodney was saying that he wanted him, needed him just as much, albeit in a more sane way hopefully.

Instead of answering, Rodney cupped John's face and kissed him.

~~

"I don't know what any of the others told you and I can only guess if John asked you not to say anything, but even if he did, I need you to do something for me." Rodney pulled out the piece of paper he'd prepared. "Give this to me. Even if John told you not to, you _have_ to do this. I don't care if it messes with what would have happened. I don't care about the 'natural' course of history. I _need_ him and he needs me. You know that."

Ronon took the piece of paper silently.

Rodney looked at him, the lines in his face, the thirty years written in those lines. Ronon would make the sacrifice for all of them, but Rodney knew that most of all he did it so that John wouldn't have to, did it so that John _couldn't_ even though he felt it was his responsibility because everything was always his responsibility.

"Thank you," Rodney said with feeling, pulling Ronon into his arms and hugging him as tightly as his body would still allow.

~~

"But why _you_?" John asked. He still looked as if he had been hit. In a way they all had, with Ronon suddenly disappearing and re-appearing at the center of the ship, thirty years older and shouting instructions to save them all.

They'd survived and escaped, but Ronon was still not who he was just minutes ago and what he told them sounded entirely incredible.

"Wouldn't let you do it," Ronon said with a shrug.

John frowned and was beginning to look actually angry, but Teyla put a hand on his arm and gave him a look before he could berate Ronon any more.

"We should get back to Atlantis as soon as possible," she said calmly. "John, I think you should come with me."

John looked as if he wanted to resist, but in the end he followed her out.

Rodney was left with Ronon. "I don't really know what to say." Thank you didn't seem enough to someone who'd just thrown away thirty years of their lives for you.

"It's okay. Could have been worse. There were no Wraith."

Rodney snorted. But then that was how Ronon dealt with things. Rodney nodded and turned to go, when Ronon called after him.

"McKay." He pulled a piece of paper out of his vest. "From you."

Rodney stared at the piece of paper before taking it. When Ronon had first told them what happened he'd hoped for great scientific progress that his other self surely must have made, but apparently he'd worked on finding a solution to their problem and surviving only. But now there was a message after all. Although he couldn't imagine why his older self had only wanted him to know something that fit into such a small space.

"Uh, thanks," he said, remembering Ronon.

Ronon looked at him, put a hand on his shoulder and said, "Don't mess it up." Before Rodney could protest, he was gone.

Rodney unfolded the paper and began to read.

_You're in love with John Sheppard._

Rodney blinked. What the hell?

_I've written pages upon pages to try to explain, but in the end you'll just have to trust me. Ignore what you thought you knew about yourself. Ask yourself what you missed in your previous relationships and then think about John. That should be enough, but if you need me to spell it out for you I will._

_He is the fucking one._

_Sorry to be so crass, but I need you to get this. I've spent twenty-seven years with John and they were the happiest of my life. I'm giving it all up now, going back in time where I won't know any of this, so it's up to you to make sure that it'll still happen._

_You need John. And he needs you. Don't let him tell you otherwise. I know he'll try, but you can't let him get away with it. You can't back down and you can't give in._

_I don't know what you'll have to do to convince him , but it'll be more than worth it. I promise._

_Don't let him get away._

Rodney's hand shook. Some part of him wanted to believe that this was some kind of joke. But he recognized his handwriting and he couldn't believe why his older self would joke about this.

He should put away the note and sleep over it. He should do some serious thinking about himself and his feelings. He was in love with Jennifer. He couldn't throw away the potential of that on a whim. He needed to think about it at least, maybe see if he could make Sheppard reveal his feelings if they existed.

Except that there wasn't any doubt really.

He did not love Jennifer. At least not in that way. Not in the way that John was the center of his life. Not in the way that he was the last person that Rodney could still remember when his brain was rotting away and the first he ran to when he awoke alone and scared. Not in the way that was so damn obvious it hurt to finally see it.

Of course, he was in love with John. He must have been in love with him forever.

And John loved him. Rodney didn't have to make him reveal it because in so many little ways he had, for years now.

Rodney felt overwhelmed by that sudden knowledge. He felt as if he needed to lie down and rest, but somehow he knew that he couldn't let it go even for that long, because an hour could turn into a day could turn into a week and a lifetime of wasting what you could have.

"Don't let him get away," his older self had said.

Rodney had no intention of allowing it.

~~

He found John in the mess hall of the Daedalus after setting course for Atlantis. Ronon was sitting with him and they seemed to be engaging in a kind of staring contest.

Ronon smiled very self-satisfied. He looked younger this way, though there were laugh lines around his eyes.

"You should have let _me_ do it," John insisted. Of course, he did. He couldn't let it go.

"Was my choice," Ronon said.

"And mine too," John said, raising his voice. "I'm responsible for the team. It should have been me."

"Woolsey's responsible."

"Well, Woolsey didn't volunteer, but I did. I don't understand why I let you do it," John said, frustrated.

Ronon just smiled enigmatically, then looked up at Rodney as if he'd known he'd find him watching them. "You'll understand," he said and got up before John could say anything. "I'll check on Woolsey." Then he was gone.

Rodney stood there for a moment, unsure if this was the right moment, but aware that there would never be the right moment for this.

"Can I talk to you?" he asked.

John still looked after Ronon, slightly irritated. He turned to Rodney. "Since when do you have to ask?" he asked impatiently.

This was really a bad moment. But he couldn't back down. "Could we move it somewhere private?"

John frowned. "There's nobody here," he snapped. "Teyla is meditating and Keller is taking care of Woolsey. Right now, this is as private as it gets."

"Right," Rodney said. He looked at the ground, trying to find the best opening. He snorted. Anything that wouldn't make John bite off his head would be good at this point.

"I..." John seemed to finally pull himself together. "I'm sorry. What did you want?"

Rodney just looked at him. "I'm in love with you."

John didn't react at all. Then he suddenly stood up and stormed out of the room.

"John!" Rodney called after him, but he didn't slow down, so Rodney followed.

John was heading towards his guest quarters.

"John."

John stopped and whirled around. "I can't deal with this right now," he said, punctuating each word with his finger, before turning around again and continuing on.

"I'm sorry, but you'll have to," Rodney said, following him.

"Says who?" John said, turning the last corner.

"John, please."

John didn't slow down and was ready to slam the door to his quarters into Rodney's face, but Rodney held out his hand and squeezed inside, letting it shut behind him.

John turned away, shoulders dropping. "Did Ronon tell you something?" he asked, voice sounding very tired.

"Only not to mess it up. But he gave me a note from my older self."

John turned to him at that. He looked weary. "I see."

"You see what?"

"Your older self sent you a note that I... I don't really want to know and I don't care. What happened to them is gone now. It never existed. Only Ronon is left."

"And it's his past so clearly it did exist and will continue to exist in his memories. Besides I am aware that I am not my older self and you are not your older self. This is about us."

"There is no us," John said.

"I know," Rodney answered. "But there should be."

John snorted bitterly. "Because your older self told you."

"Because it's the truth," Rodney said, chin held up high.

"Right, the truth. Like when you wanted to say one thing to Keller before you stopped being _yourself_?"

Rodney flushed. "You saw the tape."

"We _all_ saw the tapes. You've been in love with her for some time now. Weren't those your words?" John sounded down-right cynical now.

"I was wrong," Rodney said.

"Oh. Well, then everything's all right, I guess. Let's go and run off to Vegas together and live happily ever after in a house on the beach." John put a wide fake smile on his face, befitting the chilling cheeriness of his voice.

Rodney didn't know what to say. "What is the problem here? I mean the real problem. I'm sorry that I didn't realize sooner how I felt, but I definitely think this is a case of better late than never. We still have so much time. They had twenty-seven years togeth—"

"We are not them!" John thundered, advancing on Rodney so forcefully that he backed away against the door.

"I know that. But we _were_!" Rodney shouted back. "Everything except the last hour happened exactly to them as it did to us, so don't pretend that they have nothing to do with us. I don't really get this anyway. Shouldn't you be happy?"

"Happy? Ronon is over _sixty_, Teyla just realized how close she came to never seeing her son again and you're telling me you fucking love me after saying the same thing to Keller not a month ago. Why should I believe you? And why do _you_ believe it for that matter? So maybe they've been together for twenty-seven years. It's not like there was that much choice. Maybe Keller went for Ronon instead, so you were stuck with me or being alone. Maybe you made yourself believe that you loved me. Maybe your older self went completely crazy after thirty years stuck on an abandoned ship and just wanted to screw with you."

"Maybe I believe it because I've been in love with you since I met you, but was too blind to see it. I thought I was straight, okay? I thought I was in love with Jennifer, because she's smart and funny and likes me, but I didn't run to her when I woke up alone and thought I'd lost myself. I didn't call for _her_, did I?"

John looked away.

"You know damn well that I love you, just as I know that you love me, so what is the _real_ issue here and don't dare to bring up Jennifer again because we both know that she is not the fucking problem here."

John's brow furrowed stubbornly. "We can't do this," John eventually said.

"Why not?"

"They'll discharge me."

"Only if they find out. I wasn't exactly planning on announcing it to the world and necking in the halls."

"No, Rodney. If we do this they'll find out and if they find out they'll send me home. It's as simple as that."

"That's complete and utter bullshit. Do you want me to draw up statistics of gays in the military? I haven't dealt with the issue in-depth, because I wasn't aware I would be personally affected until about an hour ago, but I'm sure I can give you the stats."

"I'm the military commander of Atlantis. Do you have any idea how many people would like to see me gone from this position?"

"And yet, you're still there. What does that tell you? That they know that you're the best man for the job."

John snorted. "Not even you can be that naive."

"Why on Earth would they suspect something? We already spend pretty much all of our free time together, so if you pull yourself together and not shout any declarations in the gate room we'll be fine."

"Will we?" John asked.

"Why not?"

"I don't know. How about both of our abysmal track record with relationships. And you can say what you want, but having to hide isn't going to make that any easier."

"I'm not saying it will be easy. I _never_ said it would be easy. In fact, it's already far more difficult than I care for, but in the end it'll be worth it."

"Because it was for them," John said bitterly.

"Because when I'm with you, even if we're fighting like this and you're pissing me off like no one I've ever met, I still feel like I've never been more welcome than with anyone else in the world."

John's gaze dropped.

Rodney took a step towards him. "Because when I'm with you, I feel more like myself than when I'm with anyone else in the world."

John quickly looked up at him and back down.

Rodney took another step and lifted his hand to cup John's face and force him to look at him. "Because when I'm with you, there's nowhere else in the world I'd rather be."

"Rodney," John whispered, finally looking at him, defeat in his eyes.

"It's gonna be hard," Rodney acknowledged. "We'll fight and have misunderstandings and drive each other crazy, but then we'll make up and work it out and at the end of the day we'll be _together_."

John leaned forward until their foreheads touched. "I love you so much." He said it so quietly that Rodney couldn't be entirely sure it wasn't just his imagination, but then John pulled back and looked at him and he could _see_ it, see that John had finally stopped hiding and fighting it.

Their lips met in a hard kiss that was uncompromising and grew passionate. Soon they tore off each other's clothes and landed on the bed. And when John asked Rodney to fuck him, Rodney was glad to oblige.

Afterwards, Rodney had an arm thrown over John's chest, no longer afraid he might run away, but still needing to hold on.

"I don't know what will happen now," John said.

What would happen to their team? What would happen to _them_? Would they have to hide forever? Would they want to? There were many questions and Rodney didn't have any answers either.

"I don't know either," he admitted. "We'll just have to figure it out."

John turned his head and kissed him. "Yeah," he said before they drifted off to sleep together.


End file.
